Dear readers,

As you all know, the infamous Dead Week is upon us. As the tweets about failing GPAs are paired with hilarious GIF’s mount, one might expect the North Dakota State student body to buckle down and begin preparing for finals.

Instead, however, my one-man investigation into the looming horror of exams revealed a disturbing truth: literally no one is going to use Dead Week to study for something next week.

Although I initially assumed all students would take advantage of this hard-won lull in coursework to better ready themselves for their finals, it appears that this is largely wishful thinking. The two students I spoke with, who are clearly indicative of the entirety of NDSU, shed some light on the issue.

“Dead Week is the best!” exclaimed one 6’3” senior majoring in business administration. “The fact that I have no tests or quizzes to study for gives me so much more time to binge Netflix. I find that obsessing over the conflicts of fictional characters really helps me hide from my own responsibilities and problems. And realistically, nothing will drag me out of this defense mechanism except last-minute panic.”

Somewhat shaken by this response, I also interviewed an agricultural communications major from Wishek, North Dakota: the Cradle of Civilization.

“I like to take full advantage of Dead Week by going to bed really early,” he cheerily explained. “Of course, by ‘going to bed’ I mean lying awake and scrolling through social media far later than I would stay up normally. This teaches me much more than the narrow scope of my courses, and helps me become a better citizen of this fine republic.”

I also attempted to interview both a mathematics and engineering major, but despite my dangling of energy drinks and cheesy snack foods, I was unable to lure them from their study dens.

Although it is tempting to blame such behavior on Dead Week, the mounds of tear-soaked homework assignments indicated this behavior had been going on for some time.

So there you have it folks. As far as I can tell, no one uses Dead Week to study any more than they already do. Many students do seem, however, to utilize the expanded free time to engage in even more escapist activities than usual.

While I do hope this gambit pays off for them, it might be better to just sleep the week away.

Sarcastically Yours,

Papa Jon