North Dakota State Student Body President Master Weasel said he will resign from the position to pursue a career in the goat milking industry. Weasel said he has always dreamt of moving to a farm with at least 32 goats that he can frolic with.
“I just love all types of goats; little goats, big goats, the ones with the big floppy ears so I can hold on to them when I take a ride and even the ones with no ears at all. Goats are just my passion and this position is holding me back,” Weasel said.
Weasel said that if the administration allows him to keep his milk goats in the bookstore, he may consider keeping the position.
Thundar, the NDSU mascot, said he will consider the position. His only stipulation is that he must keep his outfit on at all times so no one can figure out his true identity. He would also like the position to be paid because he has to take care of his four illegitimate “bison.”
“Being a mascot just doesn’t pay the bills anymore,” Thundar said. “I’m out their busting my tail at all the sporting events and I even pick up a few table dancing frat gigs on the side, and the calf support I’m paying is still too much grass — if you know what I mean.”
However, Thundar isn’t the only one looking at the position. Taylor (Dawg) Salami is also looking to snag the position for the remainder of the school year.
Dawg said he wants to win over the people by giving everyone on campus free pizza and playing his “fire tracks” over the speakers in the Memorial Union. Salami also wants to make sports mandatory for all students.
“I’ve seen a lot of pudgy hicks ’round here man,” Salami said. “I don’t think the bale throwin’ is workin’ for them anymore. NDSU students should be able to play basketball, not hide them in their belly buttons.”
Thundar and Salami were both asked for their mission statements and they replied with the following:
“Make North Dakota State horny again.” — Thundar
“I couldn’t care less if I become Student Body President. I just want my mom to feel like I am doing something with my life.” — Salami
If neither Thundar or Salami work out for the position, much of the student body is looking to write in Betsy the Heifer. Many of the agricultural students at NDSU are upset because the college is getting “too artsy.” The students in the animal science department believe that having a cow as the Student Body President will help put NDSU back on track.
“Just watch; when we elect a cow as our president, all the fairy farters out there won’t know what to do with themselves,” animal science major Ethan Carlson said.
The results of the three percent of NDSU students that actually vote will be calculated as soon as the administration has nothing better to do with their lives.