Once again, Fargo plans our demise. Fargo rubs its nonexistent hands together and goes,”Oooh this is the year. This time I’m gonna get ’em.” Fall is upon us and with it heralds of winter, precursors to all the ways the city will try to kill us in the coming months. The birds know what they’re doing. Flocks of geese fly down south to bite and honk at those poor people for a change. The people I pity, however, are the freshmen from warm states. You Californians don’t even know what’s coming.

Let’s take a moment to know our enemy.

First and foremost in my life are allergies. At the moment, I’m a proud member of the sniffle choir performing in every classroom. I get the added bonus of dog allergies and coffee withdrawal, but I do those to myself. Now is the time to invest in tissue paper and hand sanitizer.

Next comes the cold. There hasn’t been too much yet, but Fargo is just too excited for winter and letting a little out at a time. A breeze that reminds you it can cut through your clothes. Fargo taking away the sun because “it’s a privilege not a right.” Being forced back into flannels. OK, I kind of like the flannels. All very tolerable, but signs of what’s to come.

I cannot overstate that sun though. If you’ve never had sunlight ripped away for weeks, you probably think cabin fever isn’t a big deal, a joke that we Minnesotans made up to entertain ourselves while we clean the spoils of the morning’s moose hunt. Well, I hate to tell you this, but you’re thinking of Canadians. They aren’t wrong about the cabin fever though. It can really take its toll on your mental health.

So if you’re not from around these parts and September gets “just a little too chilly for me, thanks,” you better get prepared. Stock up on stockings, pick your favorite four-layered outfits and make some friends in your building. If you let yourself feel too isolated, you’re gonna have a bad time. As long as you’ve got people and a sturdy attitude, you’re gonna be fine. Plus, global warming is going to get rid of all this winter business by 2030.