The Rectum Calls for Impeachment of Student Body President

Spencer Moir must be impeached.

The editors of The Rectum call upon the student court and senate to immediately impeach North Dakota State Student Body President Spencer Moir (pictured) for an utter, unabashed lack of governance of his duties.

It’s clear Moir is riding out the remainder of his term, taking his senior slide to the next level. Also, he’s gone bat-shit crazy.

Don’t let the impeccably well-tied bow tie fool you: Moir has lost it. He has recently taken up sleeping outside in a tent, climbing incessantly at the Wellness Center and rubbing coconut oil over his skin constantly. Furthermore, he’s apparently picked up a new hobby in which he ascends iced-over waterfalls with merely spikes and an ax.

We didn’t elect Moir last spring to be eccentric; we elected him to lead the student body, particularly in these difficult times. Moir is failing to serve his citizens.

Conversations with Moir have been sparse and incomprehensible. The amount of vocal fry Moir’s vocal folds create when he communicates is obscene, putting Valley Girls to shame.

Perhaps most damningly, sources tell The Rectum that Moir hasn’t been to a student senate meeting yet this school year. While most students don’t realize NDSU’s student government meets Sundays for a weekly meeting, or that we have a student government at all, this is an egregious enough fact that’s grounds for immediate termination.

As for Moir’s replacement, we urge student senate to not select Anuj Teotia, student body vice president, as a successor. Teotia has to have been complicit in this scheme; how does one completely neglect to notice Moir’s absence? Send Teotia packing. Hell, send the entire executive branch packing.

We must start anew (not Anuj), but not entirely. The Rectum still believes student government should continue its fine tradition of nepotism; therefore, the senate should appoint Moir’s twin brother, Logan Moir, to become the next student body president.

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