the Spectrum

There once was a boy Who would only play with his toys. And would not eat his leafy greens “Your teeth will rot” His mother “Dietitian Tries Poetry”

Over the years, many prominent NDSU student-athletes have gone on to play their sport in professional leagues. Football stars Carson Wentz, Marcus Williams and Billy “Dexter Werner To Pursue New Sport”

North Dakota State’s Research and Technology Park underwent a severe technical malfunction Monday, causing a tyrannosaurus rex to escape. The T-Rex is part of ongoing “Dinosaur Escapes NDSU Research Lab”

In a daring move, NDSU’s student senate is refusing to replace a student court justice until after the election season. Nobody has any clue where “Student Senate Refuses to Replace Justice before Election”

In 1957, Alfred G. Arvold began working at NDSU in an unusual profession: the theater ghost. It was the perfect position, given that Arvold founded “Theater Ghost Laid Off Due to Budget Cuts, Leaves Vacancy in Hauntings”

In a shocking move, North Dakota State athletic director Matt Larsen announced Wednesday men’s golf will be cut from NDSU athletics. Replacing men’s golf will “NDSU Cuts Men’s Golf, Adds League of Legends”

The editors of The Rectum support Grant Gloe for student body president. He is an unqualified, unexperienced, apathetic and dull choice with a nice butt “Elect Grant Gloe For Student Body President”

In the wake of Trumpcare being shot down, the president now resorts to “Pencecare,” where doctors are encouraged to offer their two cents in regards “Pencecare Worth our Cents?”