Hello, North Dakota State. My name is Sammy the squirrel, and I’m here to bring something of the utmost importance to your attention: being an NDSU squirrel is difficult.

You probably think it’s easy being a squirrel. I don’t blame you. I mean, look at me — fuzzy little tail, fluffy little ears, cute whiskers, darling eyes and charming little feet.

But let me tell you, it isn’t easy being this cute. People taking photos all the time, stopping and staring and saying “aww” when all you’re trying to do is remove some dirt that got stuck on your paw.

But for all the attention, we aren’t really anything more than eye candy. People stare and think we’re cute, but we don’t get any respect.

The vehicles slow down for students, but they hardly even blink at us. You don’t see any students smashed on the streets, do you? But a squirrel, now that’s a different story.

We have to end the madness. We squirrels are more than cute, fuzzy little objects for your viewing pleasure. We pull our weight around here.

All those bits of granola bars that you drop? We clean them up. Smashed milk dud on a sidewalk? On it like white on rice. Fallen acorns? We take care of that too.

And yet you’ll still find us splattered on the streets. Is there no justice in the world?

I’m taking a stand. I will personally take this drainpipe apart one tiny bite at a time until we get some change around here.

We need some tiny squirrel crosswalks with flashing lights. We need places to escape from the unwanted public gaze that leaves us with no peace. We need respect. We need heated squirrel homes. We need to be seen as more than cute, fuzzy speed bumps.

We need a movement. Stand in support of NDSU squirrels. Stop the madness. Do it for the fuzzy tails and cute little ears. Do it for astonishingly efficient smashed milk dud removal.

The NDSU squirrels will thank you.