I am wayward and I am proud!
Before we start with anything here I must ask, have millennials taken things too far?
Yes, I am aware that we tried to elect a comrade like Bernie Sanders as president, and we have pretty much ruined Harambe’s memory, but that pales in comparison to this.
Let me back up a moment into the crazy world of the news.
On August 25, 2016, CBS reported that bars of soap have made a steady decrease due to, you guessed it, the worst, period, generation, period, ever… period?
The millennials, yay we suck!
Ah, it must be so hard to wake up in the morning and know these things are our fault.
Now, even though millennials are the worst generation, the news reported that we have our reasons.
“Millennials believe bar soaps are covered in germs after they are used. Some older Americans might scoff at that belief… Consumers who still buy bar soap, it turns out, have something in common: they tend to be over 60 years old and are men.”
I can see it now.
“I saw a Buzzfeed video and I believed every word!”
Now look America, bar soap is not great.
Are there germs on it? Probably. But you know what else has germs on it? Doesn’t the flat beer you drank last Sunday morning have germs on it? That pizza you left in the fridge for four days, doesn’t that have germs on it?
Oh, and don’t even get me started on the state of most of our bathrooms.
Look, our parents wouldn’t have worried about germs covering, of all things, soap. In the words of my father, “Who cares?”
That passive way of thinking has helped our parents achieve many great things, for instance tearing a hole in the ozone layer. Way to go mum and dad!
It is moments like this that I fear we might never achieve such high standards.
Who is going to be our Martin Luther King Jr., who is going to be our Captain Sully? Both men who, of course, used bar soap?
For all we have at the moment are Rick Harrison memes, and the hipster.
We have spent years trying to prove to previous generations that we could be as American as the hot dog, but I sadly believe we are more of the vegan, tomato bruschetta with a balsamic reduction.
Alas, our choice of what to use on our bodies is ours to make, and ours alone. Don’t let the haters ruin your day sweethearts. The previous generations are better and we suck. These are facts that we are going to have to live with.
However, the previous generations are one more opinion away from being transformed into millennials themselves. A transformation I hear that is very much akin to Remus Lupin turning into a werewolf, so watch out mum.