Local Satirist Stockpiles Articles about Mass Shootings

Dear readers,

Hello my friends. I come before you today in hopes that I can help you understand a bit more about my line of work. While my preferred course of action is to put off writing my articles until the last-minute adrenaline rush drives me to be productive, some of my fellow artists take a different approach.

I sat down with Saul Tubart, a ruggedly handsome Crop and Weed Sciences major, to get the lowdown on his preferred method.

“While I don’t always plan as far ahead as this,” Tubart explained, “I took advantage of winter break to crank out a few articles satirizing acts of gun violence against multiple people.

“Given the United States’ impressive track record last year, and the incredible apathy toward actually changing any aspect of our laws or culture, I’m pretty sure I’ve made a wise choice.”

Although we disagree on most things, Saul definitely had a point on this one.  ShootingTracker.com’s Gun Violence Archive logged an astounding 330 mass shooting incidents in 2015. Nearly one per day.

Given the fact that our benevolent overlords at The Spectrum only require one article per week, Saul appears to have discovered a wonderful shortcut at work.

He further added: “Numbers like this have me convinced that America is completely unwilling to meaningfully address the issue. As such, I am quite certain that these articles will just be part of a cacophony of outrage that dies out within a few days. This allows time for the populace to return to their preferred lack of concern before the 24/7 news media raises tensions by reporting on the next spree.

“But hey, at least I get paid!”

At this time, reports indicate that President Obama is planning to take the issue of gun control into his own hands through executive action. While this seems to be the only way to circumvent the NRA’s ludicrous influence over Congress, it is unclear if he can enact any meaningful changes unilaterally. But what are a few more mass shootings in the meantime?

Sarcastically Yours,

Papa Jon

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