Ah, yes, finals are quickly approaching. A dark cloud hangs over campus. Students look eerily like the walking dead, powered only by unhealthy amounts of coffee.
But yet, the homestretch of the semester is a time of manic highs and lows. Students bounce between happily humming Christmas songs and flying into a murderous rage at the drop of a hat. Some people fly into murderous rages because of the Christmas songs, the weirdos.
The end is in sight, and hope springs in the hearts of students everywhere, it’s true, but the cautious student is wary. With senses honed by years of pop quizzes, the cautious student is skittish heading into the homestretch.
It has learned over the years that an inordinate amount of work and nasty surprises hide in the final weeks of the semester.
So close, and yet so far. The cliché rings true. The cliché about ringing true also rings true. So meta.
As a cautious student who has survived many a homestretch, let me offer some advice on how to make it through alive.
Always wear a sweater. People will think you are professional, but not full-blown-pedal-to-the-metal professional. Just professional enough to give off an air of competence. Plus, it’ll make you feel more productive than a sweatshirt. I’ve dubbed my favorite cardigan the sweater of productivity. It’s seen me through many a paper.
After realizing your final essay is much too long, email your professor and include the phrase “it’s preposterous, and furthermore, pedantic.” Hopefully they’ll be so amused with your words that they’ll give you a break.
Don’t turn your brain off yet. Winter break is just around the corner, but coasting isn’t advised. Nobody wants to leave a final feeling like they’ve just been bludgeoned by a rusty mallet.
Never beg. You’re way too proud for that. But do consider bribing.
Looming essay and no time? Easy: ghostwriter. But I have to warn you. I’m not cheap.
But don’t despair, dear student. The end is near. Go find a therapy dog in the library. Go find a shoulder to cry on. We can all suffer and survive together.