It’s a no for us dog

To that disgruntled sports editor at The Spectrum:

We are the editors in chief at The Collegian, Dakota Student and Minnesota Daily, the three finest student newspapers in the tri-state area. We are jointly putting pen to paper to discuss your recent trade demands.

Look, we don’t blame you one bit for wanting to leave The Spectrum. We understand your grievances. We know what the working conditions are like in that fractured office.

We shared in your angst while all of Fargo’s top news outlets enjoyed covering the Bison in March Madness. We’ve heard horror stories of the ungodly meetings.

In fact, we even enjoyed meeting you at the latest Associated Collegiate Press convention in Minneapolis. But let’s not kid ourselves here: you’re damaged goods.

You’re in your contract year with The Spectrum. Frankly, we all value a little more service time if we are going to parts ways with draft capital at the trade deadline. We’d just as soon scrape you out of the bargain bin when free agency hits over the summer.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Let’s be honest with ourselves, you’ve got a checkered track record. You said it yourself; your 300th story was about a teddy bear. A teddy bear? Is that the best you can do? By their 300th pieces, our writers are churning out feature-length exposés on athletic scandals.

Just last week, the newest staff writer at the Minnesota Daily blew the lid off the hidden ponzi scheme that Goldy the Gopher and Jack the Jackrabbit have been orchestrating, pilfering money from the rest of the Big Ten and Summit League mascots. That was written by none other than Cody Tusler, your estranged scribe. We won’t sugarcoat this either: he’s been lambasting you behind your back.

But what do you have to show for your years at The Spectrum? A teddy bear story.

Let’s not forget about that public relations nightmare you had back in sophomore year. Remember that? You hired that punk from New Jersey and have let him haunt the pages of your newspaper for three years. We’re pretty sure he’s got ties to the Mafia. In fact, the Dakota Student confirmed that he’d been caught attempting to dig up Jimmy Hoffa’s body in the Meadowlands for a seance. We just can’t have that type of suspect history within our ranks.

We also have serious questions about your loyalty. Everyone knows about that viral photo of your Thundar tramp stamp. We just don’t think you are capable of putting NDSU in the rearview mirror.

All this just ignores your biggest blight of all: your section hasn’t even won a single award at the ACP convention while you’ve been in charge. That’s because you’ve been too preoccupied writing soda reviews and talking about football and a teddy bear.

Simply put, we all laughed at your trade demands. The Spectrum is where you belong, and it’s where you’ll stay. You can go ahead and shove those trade demands right back up your rectum.