I am now entering my senior year, and as an English major I have written a fair number of papers. A lot of papers, some might say. Fantastic papers, of course.

Considering this, I figured I should share my knowledge on the art of writing the perfect paper so the rest of you can become paper writing masters too. Make sure your brain is buckled in, because here’s the whirlwind guide.

Never start in advance. Pressure makes diamonds. A lack of atmospheric pressure makes balloons pop. Therefore, pressure must logically make good papers. As such, I recommend starting your paper 24 hours before the deadline at the earliest. That 15-page seminar paper you crank out will be unlike anything your professor has ever seen.

Grab a thesaurus. Your instructors haven’t read that many papers. To capitalize on this, you can use lots of big words to hide the fact that you have no clue what you are talking about. Your instructor will be so impressed with your “vocabulary” they won’t even notice that you haven’t written a cohesive sentence, and you’ll pass with flying colors.

Ignore scholarly sources. Academic journals are where original thought goes to die. Don’t even bother with them. Instead, type your topic into Google and gather knowledge from only the top link.

Find some coffee. I know it’s cliché, but coffee is your friend. Its silky smooth perfection is your salvation. It provides the boost of energy to push you through the 3:47 a.m. slump. Oh coffee, if you were a person, I would love you forever. I could go on, but in the interest of time, I won’t.

Blindside your reader. Think of your professor — they have to slog through endless piles of boring essays. To make yours stand out, integrate sections of dialogue from “Game of Thrones” into your writing to keep things more interesting.

Pay attention to spacing. Carefully adjust the font size, spacing after punctuation and margins to maximize the space your words take up on the page. The time it takes to do this will be totally worth it and save you from writing an extra three lines of text.

That should be enough to get you through most anything.

You’re welcome.