Ah yes, Valentine’s Day. The day single people either enjoy or hate.

Either you are relieved you don’t have to spend money on gifts or going out to eat, or you’re lonely and just want your crush to like you back so you two can get married.

Or you’re a small third type of person that is a mix: happy that you don’t have to worry about it, but also kind of want to be in a relationship. Well I have no help for you, but I do have help for the single folks that want to mingle and be in a relationship.

It is simple actually, there is only three simple steps. One, cut a hole in a box. Two, put your … oh wait sorry, someone did that one already.

Back on track. OK picture the scene. You’re at West Dinning Center and you see them. The crush you have in your class you are doing the worst in. We all know what you are really thinking about in that class.

The first step is get up and walk over to where they are in hopes to strike up a conversation. This is the most important step when talking to your crush.

As a great man once said, “You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.” Yes, I just used a sports reference to help you out with your love life. Got a problem with it? Go dye your hair.

Now, you are walking over to where they are. They are sitting at the bar were the pizza is. You don’t even care what kind of pizza they are serving, all you want is a piece.

On your walk over there, you are trying to think of clever sayings that will totally work and they will fall in love with you right there. Instead of thinking of things like, “Hi, I’m (insert name here). We have (insert class here) together.” You think of things such as, “I see you got pizza. You must like it. Me too.”

Stop right there! No crap they got pizza. They are eating at West and sitting at the pizza bar. Obviously they like pizza if they are eating it. Even people that are lactose intolerant will eat pizza because it’s damn good. They don’t care if you like pizza, because they know everyone likes pizza.

You must confident in what you say.

Next step, you are taking your final steps towards them and need to think of something and not act nervous. This is where you take you take a deep breath to gather your thoughts. At this important time, you quickly relax and think of what you are going to do and say. It is now or never.

Final step, you exhale and walk right past your crush and say, “Pepperoni please,” as you walk up towards the pizza counter. You know deep down that they are not the right one because pizza is. Why would you get in a relationship when all you need is pizza? Pizza will never leave or hurt you.

Unless you burn your mouth. In which case that’s you own damn fault. You should to let your food cool down before you eat it.

OK I lied. There are more than three steps. If anything takes more than three steps, don’t do it.

This is how you talk to your crush. You don’t. All you need is pizza, ice cream and golden retriever puppies. The three things in life that will never hurt you.

Haha, I’m going to be alone forever.