Win friends, impress your family, and be the life of the party

This article is satirical and fake. It is a part of our annual Rectum special April Fools edition.

Parties, holidays, family reunions and everything in between. We’ve all been in situations where we feel awkward and don’t fit in. There’s always someone we don’t get along with, a cousin who constantly shows you up and can do no wrong, a friend who’s smarter or better looking, or an event where you just feel plain invisible.

All these inner thoughts add up and make it hard to fit in. You’re not alone! Luckily, I have a list here of tried-and-true sure fire ways to make you stand out in the crowd and win you the admiration of everyone in the room.

When all else fails, try one of these out! 

Scream

You will definitely become the center of attention. Not only this, but everyone can see what a great vocal range you have!

Pass Out Socks To Everyone Who Isn’t Wearing Them

You’re helping the needy. This will show empathy, consideration and observation. Besides, who doesn’t like free stuff?

Dance Without Music

Nothing is cooler than busting out your best moves, and it’s even harder to do when there’s no music. Only rookies need music to dance.

Show Pictures of the Rocks from your Vacation to Carlsbad Caverns

Not only will this prove you are well traveled, but that you know geology. Be sure to show and describe all four hundred pictures! Two-hundred sixteen stalactites, one-hundred eighty four stalagmites…

Talk About Politics

But switch sides! Prove you’re versatile! Everyone you talk to, give a different opinion, just to prove you’re well-rounded. 

Wear a Clothing Item Your Mom Told You to Get Rid Of

This one works best at family functions! It will prove that you are your own person and have an independent spirit. 

Eat 

There’s nothing a host hates more than having food leftover, and since most people don’t show up to any social gathering for the food anyway, you are doing everyone a real favor here. Eat as much as you can and ask to take all the leftovers with you. This will convey that you are a considerate guest.

Being social doesn’t have to be awkward! There’s always a way to stand out and show everyone just how many good qualities you have. I hope you found something on this list worth trying out!