Do you live for those late night trips to Taco Bell for some greasy quesadillas? When you go on road trips, do you look forward to hitting every gas station and fast food joint along the way to compare their gloriously greasy food? Do these words speak to your heart? If so, than you are most likely a college student, or the average American adult.

When you go into a restaurant and sit down with your food, you might feel like a 4-year-old with a Happy Meal (if you didn’t actually get one). But after you come off of your cloud and begin to feel the effects of the food and slowly slip into a french-fry and super-mega-jumbo-burger-(with onion rings)-induced coma, you feel guilt — and maybe the pressure to go work it off. You question whether it was worth it (yes, even though it now feels like a bowling ball in your stomach) and swear to never eat fast food again (for a week).

Well, worry no more! NDSU Dietetics students have been doing extensive research based on the diet of the average college kid. They have discovered that you can eat all the greasy, fatty food that you want. You can eat it in the morning, for a snack, for every meal of the day and you won’t gain an ounce. There is only one condition.

Just pop one pill of “Insta-enema” before your meal. This formula is a carefully developed proprietary blend of gasoline, aspartame, nuclear sewage and tar. It’s completely harmless and perfectly healthy. It’s basically natural.

“Insta-enema” goes on sale this Friday, April 1. Buy the first bottle, get the second one free. Don’t miss this great deal and limited offer.

Contact a doctor if you experience any problems. A few of the side effects are projectile vomiting, violent diarrhea, intestinal bleeding, constipation (followed by explosive diarrhea), extreme headaches, severe stomach pains, lack of concentration, binge-watching Netflix, bad grades, flat tires, coronary heart disease, lack of ambition, heart attack, no friends, Crohn’s disease and many more stomach, brain, and heart disorders.