Hems are like glaciers: they move a few centimeters every year. And boy, are they a marvel to look upon. Though I feel like we’ve lost touch with what makes Halloween so special. It’s not just an opportunity to make innocent tropes and childhood icons provocative; it’s about feeling like a kid again. It’s a night for paying homage to the cartoon character you loved as a kid, for instance characters like Waldo and Spongebob, instead of any costume with the word sexy in front of it.

When did we lose sight on recapturing our childhoods? I mean, there are plenty of reasons for eyes to wander. I’m sure the thought of my pasty, yet aesthetically pleasing buttocks filling a schoolgirl outfit makes you boil like a pubescent. But that’s not the point of Halloween. That’s not the Halloween you celebrated as a child, and it’s not the one you should celebrate today.

Tonight, I wish to inspire a new path. Follow me into the streets, hockey players and Waldos alike, and trick or treat. Some will look down on you for having an apartment and car, yet still asking for treats like an eight-year-old. Well that eight-year-old isn’t a few grand in the hole so excuse me for looking for some free treats. We’ll storm the neighborhoods like a herd of bison, or a Petco employee who won’t take “I just wanted to pet the fish!” as an excuse. Don’t by the way.

Why let childhood slip away? You’ll be forced to grow up once you have a degree and a career, so why rush it along? So come out tonight, Thursday Novem-

Wait. Wait Thursday the third? No, no that can’t be! I had an article, a plan. I was gonna wear a costume and lead a revolution, damn discount 2006 calendar. Holy crap I have a surveying test today, no! I haven’t studied! This is the worst Not-Oween ever!

I … I don’t know guys. Just stay home I guess, study or whatever. I gotta be alone for awhile.