Jesus Christ, look at you. It was Halloween last night, so some of you probably had a long night. Well, yesterday was Halloween, but today is Thursday. You still need to be a semi-functioning member of society. Luckily, the first thing you do in the morning is go online and read my work. Let Uncle Grant walk you through getting your life together, and then maybe come up with a better nickname.

Things still might be a little floaty, but that’s fine. Focus on getting yourself cleaned up. Makeup will wash off, and green hair can go in a hat. Lord help you if you were within 20 feet of glitter. Every time you wash, you’ll get rid of about half. You’ll get closer and closer to clean, but when the light catches just right, you’ll sparkle like a disco ball. Just live with it. It’s not ideal, but it’s natural for a boy your age.

When the light catches just right, you’ll sparkle like a disco ball.

At the same time, you’ll probably want to remember who you were with last night. You’ll know who you went out with initially, but at a certain point, the skeletons, cowboys, Dwights and sexy Dwights all blend together. It makes it a bit harder to remember who witnessed your less dignified moments. Hopefully, you didn’t get undignified into someone’s jack-o’-lantern.

Wait is that candy? And a pillowcase? That’s not your pillowcase. Oh my God, did you steal some kid’s candy last night? That is so not okay. When did you even get the chance? I mean, I guess there’s nothing you can do about it now. That kid is having a rough morning, but it’s not like you’re walking on sunshine. You could use a pick me up. Next step is to eat your filthy, stolen candy.

OK, so this morning has been a bit of a shame spiral. God, I hope there’s nothing on social media. I guess business as usual from here. You’ve had rough nights before. Make some coffee. Drink plenty of water. Go in the fridge and make yourself some, wait, what is that smell? Is that the jack-o’-lantern in your fridge? Oh my God, you did a number on that thing. Why did you take it with you? That smell isn’t coming out. All that food is garbage now. You’re an animal. You know that? Downright degenerate. For Pete’s sake man, you’re on your own.