On Wednesday, March 26th the Supreme Court decided in a 7-to-2 decision to uphold federal restrictions on the sale of parts kits that can be assembled to into homemade firearms, better known as “ghost guns”.
Some Americans are overjoyed that the Supreme Court upheld these restrictions, believing that they help to keep firearms out of the hands of criminals. Others are disappointed by this Supreme Court decision and see it as a violation of their Second Amendment rights. The most vocal individuals, however, are the millions of American ghosts who have been severely impacted by this decision.
American ghosts are both devastated and outraged by the decision from the Supreme Court. Many ghosts feel that ghost guns are a unique part of ghost culture and that by restricting them, the Supreme Court is erasing a part of their identity. A ghost from Fargo was quoted saying “It is not easy being a ghost. There are a lot of things we cannot do, and we are heavily stigmatized–people literally scream and run away from me. Ghost guns are a huge part of our culture and our identity, and we no longer have access to them, it’s horrible.”
Not only are these firearms an important part of ghost culture, but they are also used for self-defense purposes. As of right now, the entire ghost community is being deprived of their Second Amendment right to bear arms. A ghost attorney said on Wednesday: “So you are telling me that just because I’m not, well, alive, that means I am not afforded the same rights as every other American? That is an utter injustice.”
The ghosts are not taking this lying down, (can ghosts lie down or are they always floating upright?) however, they are organizing protest. Several ghost groups including Ghouls for Ghost Guns (GFGG) and Phantoms for Freedom (PFF) have been protesting nonstop, both inside and outside of the supreme court. These groups protest by causing the courtroom lights to flicker, sending cold drafts through all government buildings, and purposefully misplacing the keys of the Justices responsible for this decision. One of the undead protestors said on Friday: “What these guys don’t understand is that we will never stop, we will not eat or sleep until we are given equal treatment. We have all the time in the world, literally.”
Police have been trying their best to crack down on these disrupting protests, but they have been completely unsuccessful so far. The DC Chief of Police was interviewed on Friday “We have been doing the best we can with the resources we have. Tasers and pepper spray do not work, we cannot detain them, we set up barricades but these guys float right through them, they follow us home and haunt our families. Half of my guys are scared to death, and I don’t know what else to do.” Unfortunately for the DC police department, their Ghost-Busting unit was dissolved earlier this year due to DOGE cuts, so there really isn’t anything else they can do.
So, what happens moving forward? Maggie Johnson is the founder of the social justice group Living Advocating for the Dead (LAD) and has been advocating for the rights of U.S. ghosts for over twenty years. When asked about her thoughts on the situation she said, “The Justices need to just give them what they want, it’s like none of them have seen a horror movie. There is no way this ends well for them.” When asked why she has devoted so much time fighting for this cause Johnson replied “We are all going to die, we are all going to be ghosts. I am protecting everybody’s freedoms right now.”
In conclusion, it is clear that the ghosts of America will not be giving up on their cause anytime soon. Ghosts are American citizens and believe that they deserve the same constitutional rights as every other American and that includes the right to bear arms. The hauntings will most likely continue until government officials give into the demands of these spooky spirits.