Author’s Note: This article was written for The Spectrum’s April Fools edition. McDonald’s is not healthy food. Harmful side effects may occur with frequent consumption of McDonald’s.

Summer is coming up, and I find it more crucial than ever to focus on eating healthy. It’s hard to meal prep when you’re in college, so sometimes fast food is the only thing I can get. Because of this—and my craving for looking perfect this summer—I’ve been on the hunt for healthy fast-food places around Fargo. It’s hard to find food that is quick and healthy, so when I found this gem of a place, I knew I had to share it with my dear readers. I doubt anyone has ever heard of it, but I have found a place that combines everything I need. It’s quick. It’s healthy. It’s super close to campus. This place is: McDonald’s. 

I can’t say enough good things about McDonald’s, but I’ll try. Let’s start with location. There are actually a few McDonald’s stores around town, but there is one very close to our campus! This McDonald’s sits on the corner of University and 19th Ave N. It’s right across the street from the FargoDome, making it a perfect destination. One could even consider walking to McDonald’s—especially residents of any of the Niskanen buildings. The close proximity to campus makes McDonald’s perfect for any health food needs!

Another great thing about McDonald’s is the price. While it is a little expensive sometimes, you really get your money’s worth. I know that every dollar I spend at McDonald’s is going toward fueling my body right. McDonald’s gives me confidence in spending money. I know it’s worth it.

McDonald’s also excels in efficiency—their app is super handy. It lets you order anything ahead of time to pick up in-store or in the drive through. They really put health right at your fingertips, showing their commitment to our health. They want people to be eating their food as much as possible because they care about how if fuels consumers’ bodies. I love that their mission for health-driven lifestyles is expressed in this way.

Finally, I would like to commend McDonald’s for their incredible vibes. They’ve got an amazing color scheme that really promotes healthy minds. The red and yellow combination relaxes me, making McDonald’s a perfect place to crank out homework. The McDonald’s staff are always friendly and accommodating. The atmosphere greatly contributes to the healthy vibes that McDonald’s gives off. If you want to feel your best, McDonald’s is the place to be. I can smell the health at McDonald’s.

I won’t even touch on the food at McDonald’s because I think it is crucial that my readers try it for themselves. I refuse to sway your perceptions because I want you to experience the splendor that is McDonald’s in a very raw way. Feel the food in your veins. Taste it like you’ve never eaten anything before. I can feel the fat lifting off my body when I consume McDonald’s. 

I hope that everyone who tries McDonald’s after this has their own special experience with it. McDonald’s is a place for personal growth. I hope you find something new in yourself upon consuming it.

While McDonald’s might feel very new and experimental, I urge you to try it. The prime location, worthy pricing, thoughtful efficiency, and glorious cuisine all make McDonald’s a perfect place for overwhelmed college students. Sit back, relax, and feel the fabulous effects of McDonald’s in every aspect of your life.