Today I am going to show you heathens how to create the best goddamn bagel ever.

Now we can ignore brands here because I am not sponsored by anyone. But make sure to go out and buy Einstein Bagels from Costco, oh my god, they are the bee’s legs. They are huge, crispy and named Einstein Bagels. Oh my, it is heavenly. Sponsor me please.

Never buy small bagels either. Let’s face it, bagels are carbs. You are not having a bagel to be healthy. No, you are having a bagel because of carbs.

Yum, I love it when my pants don’t fit right.

Alright, so now you have your bagels. Now depending on if you love suffering animals you can have cream cheese or vegan “cream cheese.” I am not going to tell you what to do, I mean come on, you are an adult.

Also, add strawberry jam to your bagel now. Don’t get jelly. That is gross. Jam is the best. Also, side note, grape jelly is gross. There are reports that Satan uses grape jelly. Or depending on who you are, what Trump uses in the morning.

Other acceptable jams are as follows in no specific order, blackberry. Oh my goodness, my aunt from Washington makes the best blackberry jam. That stuff is like gold in the Jonasson household. Yum, thanks Mindy for the memories.

This is also a time to state this: peanut butter is good on everything. That is a simple fact.

So, grab your ingredients, and Michael wash your hands now.

You should have peanut butter. I personally like the natural kind because I am alternative and cool, but if you are lame use Skippy. You should also have a cream cheese of sorts and the only acceptable jam. It is also probably a good idea to have a four unit long straight piece, just in case you want to play Tetris later.

Now this is a step a lot of people screw up on.

You have a toaster. Use the damn bagel button. It simply doesn’t burn the outside of the bagel, because there is nothing more wasteful than a wall between borders or a burnt bagel. Just so gross, get it together.

So, toast your bagel. I personally like mine slightly toasted. This gives it kind of a chewy warm texture that is loved by practically everyone except my grandfather who likes things burnt usually. Grandma you will understand this, think of his hot dogs on the frying pan, they are like black sticks of charcoal.

I digress.

So now you have your slightly toasted bagel. Now you might be saying, “Well I like mine slightly more burnt.” Well burn it if you wish, this isn’t a cooking column for only you.

Grab your toppings. Spread them evenly, this is a common mistake. Also, don’t grab too much cream cheese. Because if you grab too much cream cheese a cow’s udder cries somewhere.

Now enjoy you idiot. It is a bagel and you read a column to describe to you how to make a bagel properly. Maybe your father was right about you.