We’re about to head out as a herd on the highway. Thanksgiving is here, and it’s time to head home for the holidays. My favorite part of driving on Interstate 94, personally, is staring death in the eyes until one of us blinks. Thing is, I was really hoping we would skip that part this year. I got $5 from a scratch-off and that’s my adrenaline quota for the year. For that reason, I’ve got some tips on how you guys can drive safe this year.

First off, drive the speed limit. Not the one on the sign of course. We all know that’s just for show. I’m talking around five miles per hour over that. It’s pretty standard, but if you do roll up on me doing 90, feel free to pass me. It’s not the smart move, but I won’t judge you for it. You will feel my obscenities through your windshield if you’re willing to ride my rear for 80 miles.

There is also signaling. I think too many people have read “The Art of War” because they’re great at keeping their plans secret. One moment you’re cruising along and maybe you decide you want to be in the middle lane and BLAM. They’re there. You can go back into your lane and cede your spot to the dip who didn’t want to wait. You could also just crash. Probably do the first thing though.

Finally, do you know those blue halogen headlights? They work really well. Whenever I see them on the road, they’re super bright. If you own a pair of these, I’ll advise you to go out to your car right now and smash them into oblivion. You could use your tire iron or a bat or even just a big ol’ rock. You have all the freedom in the world slugger; however you wanna do it. Drive without headlights and maybe turn on your dome light so you get seen. I really don’t care as long as I’m not seeing spots.

Well, that should cover everything. As long as you follow every tip, even if you don’t like them and their financial implications, we’ll all have something to be thankful for this year.