My favorite substance of all time.
This article is satirical and fake. It is a part of our annual Rectum special April Fools edition.
Photo by Lisa Fotios via pexels.com.
This week, I thought I’d bring your attention to one of the world’s least-utilized and yet most ubiquitous resources: dirt. There are so many uses for this excellent substance, so feel free to use this guide in the upcoming summer months to make the most of YOUR soil.
- Eat it.
Little-known fact: eating dirt actually cures every illness ever and gives you a really strong immune system. I ate dirt all the time as a kid, and now look at me! I only have asthma, four separate allergies and so many chronic illnesses they won’t fit on one page!
- Throw it.
Did you know that if you mix dirt with water, you get my second favorite substance? That’s right, only two ingredients are required to make mud, perhaps the most versatile material on the planet. I personally am a fan of keeping some in my pocket for anytime men upset me – good luck staring at my tits with a dirt clod between your eyes!
- Build with it.
Have you guys ever made mud pies? Well, you’re thinking too small. We could be creating entire tiny cities for bugs to live in so they stop climbing in my window. We should be creating bug infrastructure so they quit coming into our human houses and I can sleep without a ladybug dive-bombing my lamp every night of the summer. It’s like Oprah for ants – you get a mud hut! You get a mud hut! Everybody gets a mud hut!
- Lay in it.
You haven’t lived until you’ve just sort of laid down in some dirt. Mud is more immersive, but dirt cleans up easier if you’re on a tight schedule and need to get to a meeting or something. Return to the earth Ophelia-style but without the dying part. It’s awesome and also only for girls. Men – no dirt beds for you. You can lay in sand, I think, but definitely not dirt. Dirt is for girls.
- Plant stuff in it, I guess.
I haven’t tried this myself, but a couple of highly innovative progressives have been telling me that dirt is actually really good for growing plants in. I think this is probably untrue since we all know produce comes from the grocery store (duh), but feel free to try this out and let me know how it goes! I doubt dirt will be as good for growing potatoes as the Hornbachers’ displays, but it’s worth a shot.