Fine Dine In

Every dining experience should be five-star

FLICKR | PHOTO COURTESY I’m just trying to unbox a clogged artery.

There is a very hurtful stigma against getting McDonald’s three times in a day. It’s really starting to get to me. If my image doesn’t change, I don’t know how else to get rid of this burning in my chest and sluggish disposition. This is where I really expected the people in my life to step up.

Recently, I’ve been trying to class up the dining experience, even if it’s low-grade food. This means plating and serving the food, multiple courses, after dinner mints you shove in your pockets for later. There’s one problem though. The people I recruit to help keep saying the same thing: “Dude, I’m an Uber Eats driver.”

Is it too much to ask for a service with a smile? And a tuxedo with white gloves? A simple “sir” while laying down a platter of food and again before cleaning up? I fail to see the big deal in letting me call you “Geoffrey” like from “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.” In my household, that would be a sign of respect.

My inexplicable one-star user rating certainly doesn’t help. I’ve met a lot of cool drivers in my day. People I would love to hang out with. People I would love to grab a meal with, and then have them serve and observe as I enjoy that meal. Now, none of them are bothering to even take my requests. The last guy had the Mike Tyson face tattoo. Honestly, the super cool one I think I’m gonna get.

So, if I’m not going to get help where I thought I could count on it the most, I’m gonna turn to you guys. You are my last shot in fixing my diet, without actually eating healthy. I would really appreciate it if everyone could just be accepting of a grease-based diet slicking my slide into an early grave. Alternatively, if someone could design an app similar to Uber Eats where people are willing to go the extra mile or one where I know someone won’t spit in someone’s food over odd requests, then that would be just fantastic.

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