Communication and understanding is key to any good relationship

Despite being such a fundamental part of any relationship, consent is often misunderstood and discounted. The ability to appropriately address consent is the difference between a good sexual experience and one that results in awkwardness, avoidance and even permanent damage.

Here’s a good analogy for understanding consent: You’re walking down the street and you see an owner walking their dog. Of course, because you are a rational human being, you have an intense need to walk up and give that dog all the love in the world. However, before touching the dog, you always ask the owner: “Can I please pet your dog?” If most people know better than to walk up to a stranger’s dog and pet it, then why can’t we apply the same policy of respect to our romantic partners?

A lot of people may argue that asking to hold a person’s hand, asking to kiss them and so on and so forth with the countless levels of intimacy has the unfortunate consequence of “ruining the moment.” However, I would argue there is nothing more attractive than a person who has both the courage to ask for intimacy and the patience to understand if their partner is not ready.

If simply asking a brief question about a partner’s ease in a new situation is enough to ruin the moment, then there is nothing but urgency encouraging the interaction. And, as most people can assure, it is never the most urgent partners that are known for their sexual prowess. Taking a pause to make sure everyone is on the same page is a sign of maturity, experience and consideration for your partner’s needs.

There are a few points to note here. First of all, it needs to be said that despite what stereotypes and social norms may deem, an individual of any gender orientation has a right to say no to sex. Second, if your partner does not give consent, this is not a valid reason to criticize them. A person’s comfort level in any situation is usually reflective of their past experience and should never be treated as a character flaw.

A person who is open to both asking and reacting to another’s pleasure is usually more self-aware of what their own needs are, and being so self-aware is undeniably attractive. So, next time you’re getting ready to bake the potato, remember: asking for consent is sexy, and refusal to do so is really not.