Dear readers,

I come to you today with a shocking tale of callous disregard for human dignity. I am referring, of course, to North Dakota State’s recent refusal to allow migrant Cobbers to settle here and enroll in classes.

When the latest convoy of refugees was halted by a mob of Bison, I was on-scene to hear from those present.

“This is completely necessary for our safety,” one protestor insisted. “We can’t risk any of them bringing their religious beliefs here. We need people who will follow the instructors’ teachings, not Jesus’.

“Can you imagine the consequences if they ignored scientific fact and relied on ancient allegories to inform themselves? And have you read the parts of the Bible condoning slavery and genocide? Or the parts detailing ritualistic murder for homosexuality? Just barbaric. Beliefs like that just have no place in our society.”

Though a historically inclusive, land-grant university, NDSU students opposing these refugees were adamant.
“Other transfer students are different,” another gold-and-green individual chimed in. “I’m all for helping out the less fortunate, but there is simply no way to adequately check their transcripts and backgrounds. We cannot guarantee we won’t be letting one of those obnoxious ring-flashing types through.

“Besides, everyone knows ‘North Dakota Nice’ only actually applies to a select group of people. If we started treating these Cobbers like actual people, we’d have to do the same for the Democrats!”

The downtrodden Concordians, meanwhile, began a cold journey home. They carried everything they owned on their backs, and the student loan bills trailed for miles behind them.

Tragically, only a handful of the fleeing students were being physically carried by their parents. The remainder had to content themselves with whatever support they could receive over the phone.

“It just isn’t fair,” one senior in mathematics remarked. “I’ve done everything right. I cheer for the Bison on TV, and love the Turf more than most places. I don’t even own a ring! But I am left to suffer due to the actions of an intolerable few.

“I imagine they’ll regret this decision when the oil runs out and everyone moves away again.”

As Concordia shows no sign of ever improving, we are left to wonder at the fate of all seeking to escape. Given North Dakota’s incredibly brave motto of “Not Our Problem,” one must hope that our neighbors at Minnesota State University Moorhead will be more accommodating. Or maybe they could just do us all a favor and give up on the dream of a college education altogether.

Sarcastically Yours,

Papa Jon