Hello, hello, future investors. It’s about two months into the school year and you may have discovered some things about your current roommates. Maybe they’re messy and you haven’t seen your carpet since move-in day. Maybe they get a little too comfortable with you in the room (we’ve all heard some … interesting … stories from the dorms). Maybe they order real food instead of ice cream when they go to “Dairy Queen.”

Whatever the reason your roommate is an awful, twisted human being, there is hope.

You just need someone to share a bit of their life with you. A bit of their time, if you will. Well, the best investments are always real estate and I’m willing to offer you some of mine. That’s right: a timeshare of my half of a 10 by 11 room in a two bedroom apartment with three other guys. Please contain your excitement.

Your half of the room has beautiful natural lighting. It has a window in the corner perfect for watching the east door if creeping on neighbors is your thing. It comes furnished with a mattress on the floor and a $45 desk from Walmart. You will have to share the room with my current roommate, but other than looking like a rejected “Muppets” design, he’s fine.

But what about your fine narrator? I know the thought of kicking me out of my home fills you with rage and concern, but don’t worry. I’ll get along fine on my natural charm and devilishly good looks.

Dolve Hall is open basically 24/7 and I’ve done more than my fair share of grocery shopping in the dining centers. I can even fake cry to such an extreme it makes muggers uncomfortable.

So if you want to stay in my place, pay my rent and see where the literary magic happens, come by and say hello. All you have to bring is a winning attitude and a large enough blanket for two (sometimes at night you might get woken up. That’s just Billy, he likes to cuddle. Don’t worry, he doesn’t live there).

Now that you’ve sat through my pitch, you qualify for my incredible prize. You have earned yourself … an actually funny article! Next week.

Probably.