Dear readers,

I come to you today with big news in higher education: The interim Dean of the College of Business has agreed to level the academic playing field and make all expectations of students a two-way street. My sources enthusiastically reported several changes to me.

In recognition that grades are to students what salaries are to instructors, professors have agreed to put themselves on a similar scale to their young learners. Just as students must turn in homework at the stated deadline or face consequences, instructors will be required to return all assignments during the next class period or have their pay docked. Additionally, as student exam scores are the most accurate measure of professors’ teaching expertise, pay will be reduced for any instructor whose pupils do not excel at examinations. This will incentivize professors to give their best effort to educating!

Another major change coming down the line is a revised policy regarding instructor evaluations. I have been assured these papers will no longer be summarily incinerated, but will actually be taken seriously. Apparently, if the majority of students in a class state the professor failed to teach effectively that professor will be punished by being made to teach Wellness 101 for a semester. It is difficult to imagine a more horrifying consequence.

One of the more interesting provisions of the new legislation is a new requirement for syllabi. Professors will now have to provide a memorandum of understanding in each course packet that explicitly states they are aware that students have other classes, work and various other commitments on their plate. This memo will then be referenced if instructors assign inhumane amounts of work or fail to demonstrate basic compassion for their pupils. It is hoped that this approach will also encourage students to view their faculty as more than robots bent on assigning them poor grades.

Finally, and perhaps best of all, tenure will now be extended to students as well. If students attend two-thirds of the classes, they cannot be failed. This clearly encourages teachers to provide wonderful instruction for the rest of their careers, so it just makes sense to use this same system for our avid learners. If you would like to join me in taking a few Bison Days near the end of the semester, be sure to show up for the first few months.

Sarcastically yours,

Papa Jon