I feel like I have the popular opinion here. I believe communism has invaded our minds, our world’s nations. Communism is bringing drugs. It is bringing crime. They’re bringing potatoes, they wear socks with sandals. I guess some might be good people, but most are probably awful.

The supreme leader Ronald Regan is right — communism is the worst invention since hippies invented Woodstock and Burning Man.

I have learned a few things this past year. First, my hair looks amazing with volume, Members Only jackets are never going out of style and thanks to amazing work by our Department of Cough-Propa-cough-advertisment-cough I now know that Communism is the worst thing since disco fever.

Now, let us look at the facts here. Nuclear annihilation, is it really all that bad?

I would be the first to say to you that no, it is not the worst death. The worst death I can imagine would be a death without freedom.

Rather nuclear annihilation is far from the worst thing.

In fact, nuclear annihilation offers many great opportunities for your friends, your family and yes, even you and me.

Opportunity number one, mutations. Who doesn’t want to be the Hulk? Go from a wimp to a hunk in no time at all. Now I know that we don’t need it, because at the moment America is number one in hunkiness, I mean have you seen Top Gun (cue danger zone)?

I know that mutations are a great reason to finally start WW3 and stomp out communism once and for all. Alas though, I can offer up a cornucopia of other reasons.

Nuclear winter. Just, please and thank you. Isn’t nuclear fallout your favorite season?

Look I have a grandmother that lives in Alaska, winter is cool and crisp folks. Doesn’t winter in North Dakota attract the tourists?

Who doesn’t love -40 degrees fahrenheit and 60 mph winds?

Why does it ever have to be summer?

Nuclear winter means a few things: two winter breaks (summer break would be forgotten and renamed) and meat and potatoes become our nation’s favorite meal year round and we can ice fish for longer.

Please sign me up now.

Also something people seem to forget is that nuclear bombs are basically just larger fireworks. If we start this nuclear war now then we are basically signing up for the best Fourth of July in human history.

Freedom, hell yes.

Now, I have offered an assortment of reasons to drop the bombs. The most peaceful thing we can do is end communism and help promote capitalism, aka the best thing since sliced bread.

It has been proven time and time again: communism is infectious and it must die with fire. If Patrick Swayze has taught me anything, kill it with roundhouse kicks, fire or by ripping its throat out.

So you might be asking how do we do this?

Obviously nuclear annihilation of the world. Even if we all die and the “scientists” are right, I guarantee you the cockroaches will practice capitalism. Viva la Red Resistance.