Dear readers,
I am afraid the news I bring you today may not be terribly timely. I am assuming that you, like all students, devote considerable time and energy to keeping up-to-date on activities surrounding student government.
For the small fraction that are not keenly aware of recent developments, it appears that club sports have developed a more efficient means of petitioning the student senate for increased allocations from your student activity fee.
My old associate, one Senator Underwood, passed word of this new trend along to me.
“It appears that the club sports have grown increasingly dissatisfied with the $30,000 cap on student fee dollars imposed by student government. But, seeing as the existing officers have to occasionally play a sport to validate the organization, they have struggled to find adequate time to repeatedly share this viewpoint with student representatives.
“So now they’re sending in officers whose sole purpose is to wring every dollar they can out of us.”
I was shocked. It seemed incredible to me that organizations receive enough money each year to pay for my entire college education, and somehow manage to be unhappy with it. In order to learn more, I tracked down one of these up-and-coming lobbyists and got his side of the story.
“You gotta understand why we’re all at NDSU in the first place,” he started as his forked tongue flicked in and out of his mouth. “Everyone knows the primary purpose of a college education is to compete in sporting events with other schools at the expense of time in class or studying. And if the only way we can fund that is by pretending our highly-demanding teams are actually open to all available students, so be it.”
As the young man vanished in a puff of sulfur, I was struck by a sudden epiphany. The real issue is not that club sports care too much about the allocation of the Student Activity Fee, but rather that the average student knows so little and cares even less. Maybe I’ve got a shot at getting you all to pay for my schooling anyway…
Sarcastically Yours,
Papa Jon
The mean (the mathematical kind) student organization gets less than $1000 in funding. Student organizations are unhappy with the fact that, on average, their funding has been slashed by almost 40% because finance failed to plan ahead and wasted an insane amount of money on an overpriced bike share program.