College food needs to meet a few criteria. For example, a monkey with a can opener taped to its hand and access to a stove should be able to accidentally make it in under 10 tries. It also needs to be cheap. That’s actually the only two criteria. Now, eating is something I do pretty regularly. As a result, I’m always on the prowl for something other than ramen that even I can’t mess up.  When I was offered canned Leann Chin chow mein, my interest was peaked. Now I’m going to bring my experience to all of you, so that you can decide whether you want to check out the Chinese cheap chow.

As far as cooking goes, it’s pretty easy. It basically comes down to, “Don’t eat it cold, idiot.” It comes in two cans, one on top of the other, separating the beef from the vegetables. Throw the beef in a saucepan, throw on the heat, throw the vegetables in after a few minutes, throw it all in a bowl, throw it in your mouth then throw it in the garbage. Sorry, I got a little ahead of myself there.

Overall, the taste isn’t so bad. We’ve all probably eaten some bad Chinese food in our day. The thing with Chinese food, though, is that it seems to get better as it gets worse. I love bad Chinese food. I don’t know if it’s the personality of it or that they’re not about to skimp on the MSG, but it’s too good for me to care. This was a little different in that it had a bit more of a plastic texture and a processed taste as if I’d just microwaved a frozen TV dinner drowned in soy sauce and sadness.

Despite it not being the most appetizing thing in the world, it was still different from similar quality products. It wasn’t your run of the mill soup or frozen pizza, and, with this in mind, I found myself enjoying it.

Then, nice and slow, I pulled about a 7-inch hair out of my mouth.

0/10 Do not buy. Do not sell. Do not touch. Do not look at. Do not associate with. Do not talk about. Do not let your kids near. Do not let your kids play with Leeann Chin’s kids. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Throw Leeann Chin chow mein in the garbage. Take the garbage outside. Beat the garbage with a bat. Say hurtful things to the garbage. Insult the garbage’s mother. Throw garbage at the garbage. Burn the garbage. Get harassed by law enforcement for burning trash in the street. Argue with the cop. Start a brawl. Go to jail. Cannot afford bail. Go to prison. Join a gang. Find Christ. Leave gang. Get out on good behavior. Go back to street. Yell at ashes some more. Write a review on Yelp.