As per usual, I will be talking today about what annoys me the most.

What sends a chill down my spine and lights a fire in my stomach.

What makes me feel like a man waiting in line behind someone struggling with whether or not to order fries at McDonald’s as if that wasn’t the plan from the start.

Whatever pays the bills.

Today, kiddos, we’re talking about a phenomenon we’ve all experienced that I like to call Classroom Clock Distortion or CCD.

That moment in class when you are 100 percent sure that a half-hour has passed and you look at the clock.

Five minutes.

It’s been five, excruciating minutes. “No,” you plead with the clock, which is silly because it’s an inanimate object, “That can’t be right.”

You check your watch. You check your phone. You check your classmate’s phone.

You apologize and reflect on how you must spend 45 minutes next to someone whose phone you just stole. You were just so sure.

I have a couple theories on why CCD exists.

The first is the cumulative energy needed to learn, along with excess energy now concentrated in 30 or so bored students, causes distortion via Einstein’s theory of relativity and causes our perspective of time to slow proportional to the difficulty of the course material. Really sciency, right?

Well, my other theory is that Chronos is real and he’s a prick.

Regardless, there are a few secret cures for CCD. The first is to enjoy the course material.

Depending on the class, this may open you up to a score of mental problems that dwarf CCD in comparison.

If it works, it works. The second is sleep.

Sleeping in class not only passes time in the blink of an eye, it catches you up on your sleep. You can apply this newfound energy throughout the rest of your day.

This does, however, cause you to absorb none of the class’s information and leaves you vulnerable to books being dropped on your desk as a rude awakening.

The third solution, my personal favorite, is to go on your phone.

No one to text or snap? The Internet is there for you. Websites like Facebook and Reddit are almost tailor-made to distract you from things you should actually be doing.

This method also makes you feel like you at least sort of paid attention.

It is time we spread awareness.

CCD is a real issue in our schools and it is time to put an end to it. Share solutions with classmates and encourage instructors to include more dirty jokes in lecture. Together, we can make a difference.