Campus police claim the squirrels on campus are out of control. A demonstration in support of Flat Freddy (who was tragically smashed on Centennial) turned violent after a bus narrowly missed squashing a few more squirrels.
The squirrels stormed the bus and burned it down after beating the driver senseless.
“I have to admit, some of us lost control,” Sammy Squirrel said. “But at the same time, the madness has to end. I want to be able to cross the street without fearing I might become a grease spot in the road.”
Campus police have also expressed concern over the incident, and have used it to justify arguments to increase funding and purchase riot gear.
“Riot shields will be a necessity, especially since the passing of new legislation means any squirrel with a N.D. driver’s licenses can legally pack heat,” a police spokesperson said.
“But even more important than riot shields will be the acquisition of beanbag guns,” the spokesperson continued. The department denied allegations it only wants beanbag guns because they would be fun to play with.
“We’ve tried being peaceful,” Sammy Squirrel noted, “but when you’re only five inches high, they don’t notice you. But we’ll make them notice.
“If they want to escalate tensions by bringing in riot gear, we have options. We’ll talk to the campus crows to see if they can crap exclusively on police cruisers. I have connections with the local mafia — I hear they have a T-shirt cannon.”
Campus police think the squirrels need to chill out, and claim the squashing of Flat Freddy (who earned his moniker post-squashing) was merely an isolated incident. They denied allegations they might be afraid of a T-shirt cannon.
“Who wants to scrape another flattened squirrel off of the road? We sure don’t,” the spokesperson commented. “But we can’t have incidents like this. Such displays can be distracting to the students, and this is a student-focused, land grant, research university.”
The squirrels are not satisfied with the stance taken by campus police, and are demanding little flashing crosswalks.
“We are cute, we are part of this campus and we demand respect,” Sammy Squirrel roared to screaming crowd at a recent rally.
“If they want a war, we can give them a war,” Sammy Squirrel said. “We will not be silenced.”