PHOTO COURTESY | HSU LUKE
Learn about the hottest new diet.

Money. Fame. A bod that gets people bubbling. Everyone, on some level, desires these things. As someone who has all of them, it’s pretty great. The only issue? Money is fleeting and I have my eye on a Nicholas Cage-esque pyramid tomb. Now unless you fine people feel like mailing me cash (how funny would that be right? Like if you just did it as a joke?), I have to find a different way to raise funds.

Something that keeps popping up, whether I like it or not, is the hot new diets. I’m not entirely sure how they take off so well, but now my mom wants me to stop eating lectins. If you’re asking yourself, “What the hell is a lectin?” take a life jacket and Dramamine on me because we’re in the same boat.

With that kind of popularity for things I had no idea existed until they started killing me, I figure there’s got to be some cash in it. I might as well give this a shot myself. Here’s Grant’s fool proved diet.

Step 1: Roughly 2,000 calories a day

I’m the kind of guy who orders a large milkshake from White Castle. For those of you who have never had the good misfortune to try one, they come in a 40-oz cup and are too thick to suck through the straw. It’s about half of my day’s calories by itself. It’s probably for the best that I don’t want to move, let alone eat, after finishing one. As you can guess, I understand the pain of sticking to a measly 2,000 calories and trying to eat even less than that. Believe me, though, it kinda matters to the loss of weight.

Step 2: Gluten-free free foods

If a food says gluten-free on it, I generally avoid it. If you don’t want to, whatever. If you’re Celiac, for the love of God this step isn’t for you. For the rest of us who love pasta, bread and all the other stuff that makes life enjoyable, they’re called “taste buds” because they’re your friends. The only exception is things like chicken breasts that someone felt the need to slap a gluten-free label on. It’s kind of like putting “bear free” on a fish tank.

Step 3: Lectins

Eat all the lectins. They’re in stuff like green beans. Eat them like your life depends on it. Eat them like there’s gold in the bottom of the bowl. Eat them like the ads on the fun websites will come true. Eat them like the Fountain of Youth is really just full of lectins. You don’t own me, Mom; you’re not my real dad.

Step 4: Fruits and vegetables

This one is really a no-brainer. Research some delicious and healthy dishes. Go to the store. Buy all the ingredients and all the fruits you enjoy as a snack. Spend that little extra cash because it’s an investment in yourself. Tell your friends about the next dish you have planned and hit ’em with the “you should come over sometime! I’ll cook!” Throw everything away a month and a half later.

Now I know this diet must seem unconventional. Not all of you will be willing to commit to it. At the end of the day though, it’s not about saving everyone. If this article can help even one person, just one, I hope that person is me.