Dear readers,

I come to you today with tragic news for our university. It appears our once-beloved president’s wasteful spending has at last caught up with us all. I am sure you have all heard about the impending budget cuts for North Dakota State, but I am not sure you understand the gravity of this situation. My investigation has revealed some bad news on the horizon.

The combination of Bresciani’s lavish flight and the plummeting price of oil has put NDSU into a dire situation. It appears cuts will be occurring nearly across the board. Word has reached my ears that the College of Business will be replacing all classes with a “Shark Tank” style competition. This will enable the college to realize huge savings by firing all but four instructors.

Students will be expected to independently research and create a business plan, with the most successful being offered a degree on the spot. The less fortunate students will be quietly transferred to MSUM’s art department.

In keeping with this fiscally conservative mindset, the athletics department will be selling all of its pure-gold paperweights and pens in favor of more modest silver versions.

Furthermore, NDSU’s human resources department will be taking large strides toward reducing expenditures as well. Faculty will no longer be compensated with money for services provided; instead, faculty will receive free food from the greenhouses and free medical care from pre-veterinary students in Van Es.

It is believed that these attractive incentives will bring in virtually all the faculty that will be unemployed when Concordia finally closes its doors next year.

Meanwhile, all construction engineering students’ capstone projects will consist of doing anything possible to keep Dunbar from collapsing. Professors expect casualties, but trust those who survive will be well-equipped for the modern economy.

But perhaps the biggest tragedy of all is that NDSU’s future growth will be largely passed along to students through higher fees and tuition. If we could get people to donate half as much to academic pursuits as they do to athletics complexes, this might be different.

Sarcastically Yours,

Papa Jon