THE SPECTRUM | ERIK JONASSON II
Just what do you think you’re doing Erik?

Nothing makes me more upset than heading into a bathroom and seeing automatic anything, let alone automatic everything. Sit wrong on the toilet? No worries, water goes great on your bare ass. Are you a mother of three afraid of every germ? Here, let me play the song of my people by beating on top of the automated sink to get it to work as a sink.

Why can’t we have nice things? Why can’t I be trusted to dispense my own soap? Why can’t I be trusted to flush my own excrement down the toilet? Is this really that hard of a task?

Oh, wait, I have seen public bathrooms; perhaps the automatic flush toilets are here to stay.

I will not go quietly into the night though. As an adult who maintains decent credit, a cat and is a proud holder of a Costco membership, I can use the sink without your automatic bulls—.

This past weekend I went into a bathroom that had automatic everything: toilets, urinals, sinks, soap dispensers and paper towel dispensers.

Guess what? Some of those worked. My hands remained filthy as I begged the soap dispenser to bless me with its green opaque goop. I had a near mental breakdown as I went down the line of sinks trying to get them to spew water on my hands. My hands remained wet as the paper towel dispenser bunched the towel up and required my assistance.

Elon Musk, is this the future you want?

Who can you talk to about this as well? Am I the idiot who can’t use an automated bathroom? Am I crazy? Does it work for other people?

This is a taboo subject that few feel comfortable disclosing. Bathroom time is sacred, and if wiping your ass and cleaning your hands is made into a struggle against the machine, where can one turn to?

Starting now, your Opinion Editor has got you. He understands the plight you may experience, and it is bulls—. Perhaps, eventually millennials will be in charge of bathrooms and insist on sinks that actually work and toilets that don’t flush at the speed of sound.