March showers bring April flowers, and bad writers bring back “rad.” Everyone else is making predictions about this month, mostly to do with basketball.

There’s also less fun predictions like flooding, and so maybe get some friends together and make some sandbags? I’m just a man with some ink, but I think we’d all appreciate it.

Anyhow, I’ve decided to toss my own predictions into the mix for March and April. “Oh, I thought it was March Madness though?” I don’t want to hear it. If the NCAA goes into April, I can too. At least The Spectrum pays its employees.

First off, I will once again hear something about the Kardashians. I do not care about the Kardashians. 

First off, I will once again hear something about the Kardashians. I do not care about the Kardashians. I don’t want to know who kissed who and who’s a nice orange person and who’s a mean orange person. If they’re going to paint themselves like fried potatoes, let them hash it out.

Somewhere in this Midwest, a bowling alley will open named “Tornado Alley.” There’s one in Kansas, but I am certain there are more out there. If not, I will open it myself and do everything in my power to avoid the Better Business Bureau because I’m publicly admitting to stealing their name. Them’s the ropes.

There will be an egg cracked in my roommate Jon’s pillowcase. It will be a complete and utter mystery on how it got there. We will never truly know who or what is responsible. There will certainly be no point in pointing fingers.

There will be an egg cracked in my roommate Jon’s pillowcase. 

California will get just a little sad. It’s been happening a lot lately. Fires, sex crimes and landslides. Their only cool governor had a baby with the maid. What comes next, Scientology ascends California to a theocracy? I’d have more to say, but honestly their lawyers terrify me. Keep it up my Xenu buds! My God, I see why they call it “Wine Country.”

I will give into my shame and buy McDonald’s. More than once. My friends are going to judge me. Do you really think I’m proud of myself? I take my demons extra crispy. In my defense, I quit coffee a while ago, and you actually do trade one vice for another.