Hey, so my friend and I were walking back from transpo Monday, and I saw your phone face down on Centennial. Kinda by Bentson-Bunker Field House. I figured just because it had a polar bear background doesn’t mean it belonged in the water. Gave it a nice wipe down with my jacket, and it seemed fine. I don’t believe there were any cracks or display issues.

I hope this isn’t creepy, but you should know I did look at your notifications. I swear all I was looking for was a name, maybe someone who texted you I could look up. None of it was in English anyway, so I was kinda s— outta luck. For real though, you do need to clear your notifications once in while. I think that was a food app, but I don’t know why you’d need that many notifications from a food app. Please go to settings, notifications, that app and turn off push notifications.

In any case, we took the phone over to Design and Sign in the Memorial Union and dropped it off at the lost and found.  If you haven’t found it yet, it should be there. Best of luck, pal. Give the people at the counter your pleases and thank yous.

In the future though, I would recommend some precautions.  Maybe some sort of sling that will keep it tethered to your jacket. Phone-on-a-rope if your will. Let me know how it works because that is my creative property and I know my rights. As long as we’re laying stake to things, I’d also like oven mitts that go up to the elbow and offroad self-driving races. Bring out some Teslas if Elon will play ball and throw them in the dunes or a cliffside. Put some drivers in there and watch their reaction as they put their lives in the hands of their robot overlords.

That or pockets with zippers. Pockets with zippers would also work.

Anyways, I hope by now you’ve got it by now. Don’t worry about the article, no one reads The Spectrum anyway. I mean, hopefully, you do or this won’t do a lot of good.