We all have those things in our lives that mystify us. For me, it’s the proven fact that talking to plants affects how they grow. They’re like children in a way — green, leafy, not-at-all-like-a-child, children. In my never-ending quest for science, I decided to observe the extent to which this phenomenon phenomenons. I thought the best way was to go to the greenhouses by Newman Outdoor Field.

By the time I got there, the plants were already four Papst Blue Ribbons deep. This was quite surprising to me, seeing as it was ten in the morning. I don’t care what you say. If the place is still serving breakfast you’re not “just having a drink with lunch.” I told them as much, and they responded with racial slurs that were not relevant to myself or those present. Normally I wouldn’t condone such vulgar language, but I pressed forward —for science.

I then inspected the plants for any obvious effects of their upbringings. Some of them told me to uh … go enjoy myself, in other words of course. Others referred to me as “darlin'” which shook me to my core. Most of them tried to explain to me why the Major League Baseball needs a salary cap. That one actually sounded like a good idea. I think it’s fair to call them products of their environment.

As I compiled my data, the plants actually began showing great interest in my research. Questions like, “Whose stem is biggest?” and “Are you looking at me funny?” reflected their curiosity for the content matter and quality of my findings. I ecstatically began sharing my data on the thickness of their leaves and how they photosynthesize Mountain Dew. They called me “Poindexter” and asked,

“Who is the hottest science chick?” My disappointment is palpable.

To a chorus of “eat fertilizer,” I left the plants alone to attempt to smoke themselves. I’ve learned a lot about botany today and even more about myself. There are a lot of factors at play when it comes to the growth of plants: global warming, the season, the geographic location. My final conclusion: It wasn’t worth it. Some things science should just leave alone.