I love dogs. They’re furry balls of unconditional love. The same parts of their brains become active when they see us as when we see them. Basically, this means that they feel the same about us as we feel about them, which makes it hurt that much more that I’m allergic to them. Don’t get me wrong, if you present me with a dog I’m petting that thing until I can’t see out of my swollen eyes.

Allergies, however, are basically non-existent in less developed nations. The reason for this is that we aren’t exposed to nearly as much bad stimuli, so our immune system starts getting confused and attacking harmless stimuli.

Let’s put it like this: my body is a road trip. I’m driving and trying to keep an eye on all my kids, representing my body parts, in the back seat. The oldest, however, is my immune system in its rebellious teenage years. It keeps calling me a corporate shill in between the punk rock songs it’s playing on its $700 iPhone.

Eventually though, it gets bored. It has nothing to do, and that’s when the other body parts become lighting rods for the pubescent rage and confusion it got pent up. Be a bully all you want kids, lunch money doesn’t get rid of acne and health teachers who seem a little too comfortable with the material. It glances over at eyes and smirks the smirk of someone who knows they will soon be the only one smirking. Let the noogies begin. Eyes are irritating and its hair is all rustled and fluffed up.

I can shout at the immune system, tell it I’ll turn this car around, but ultimately I’m powerless. The immune system knows I’m all bark and no bite, and the notion gives it an idea. It turns to Throat and Throat begins to plead to no avail. The immune system tickles Throat relentlessly. Throat’s eyes are watering at this point as it struggles to breathe.

Nose tries to argue with the immune system, but it’s not having any. It tears Nose a new one, the kind of thing only your siblings know how to use against you. Nose is in tears and full of snot. It begins to lean forward and grab my intention and I have to coddle it to make it calm down, but I know it’s going to be sniffling all day.

The whole car is now in distress, especially me. The only one who seems to be having a good time is the immune system, who just retweeted about conformism. You start to wonder if it’s worth telling him he can get something at the next gas station and taking off the moment his foot meets tar. You then think better of abandoning your teenager, as all sorts of nasty people will come and try to attack you. Granted some people would call them police, but I just read that retweet and prefer to call them viruses.

You can’t live without the immune system, that is just a fact. There are always antihistamines if it ever really matters and for the most part I just have to avoid touching my eyes after I touch a dog. I just don’t like the idea of part of me basically existing to spite the rest of me, but we all get allergies or a cold from time to time.

I guess you could say … no one’s immune! Eh? Anyone? Shut up, I’m funny.