In relation to my past assumption that slow walkers are the absolute worst type of human, I stand corrected.

Driving. A very simple concept that we are taught at a rather young age. Yes, maybe you didn’t go to Drivers Ed. Or perhaps you failed but still managed to obtain a license with your portly face on it.

Obviously you failed your class for a reason, because you are worse than a slow walker, worse than cold scrambled eggs, worse even than a 7-hour weather delay at Chicago-O’Hare.

Shit drivers not only affect your punctuality but they also affect your safety and your ability to park in a decent spot. There is nothing worse than getting home from a long day at work and having to walk an extra three blocks because your dumbass had to take up multiple parking spots.

Shitty driver, I tell you this with the least amount of road rage that I can manage.

Speed up! Again with being so damn slow. Do you not understand that you are affecting the lives of those around? Are you not concerned that your inability to drive the actual speed limit, instead of 10 mph under, is causing everyone else to use all the unnecessary curse words they can muster?

Just so you can properly understand I’m going to state the obvious.

Going that much under the speed limit is a safety hazard. Not because cars are going faster than you and you could cause an accident. No, it is a hazard because I will hit you going 10 mph over the speed limit just to get your slow ass off the road. Do not visit jail, do not stop at go. Hit that gas pedal and live a little.

Swerving is a whole other story. If you cannot handle texting and driving (I am not promoting this, it is very dangerous) or taking a phone call then please, for the sake of us all, leave the phone in your bag (or pocket). If you cross that middle line and come even an inch too close to me I will not hesitate to lay on the horn. Seriously you are an imbecile of a driver. My car has personal space and so do I. So promptly back off.

I’m not even going to start on driving when there is even the slightest sprinkling of snow on the ground because if you can’t grasp the concept of regular driving, you will never get that down. It’s all very simple, I guess. Learn how to drive. Maybe go back to Drivers Ed if you need to. But if you are on the road and driving like an idiot at snail’s pace, crossing over the dotted white line, then you deserve all the curse words, blaring horns and middle fingers that you get. Better you just stay off the road.