Now, I have shied away from a polarizing topic for far too long. Mostly because I know that I don’t have an opinion that many would consider “politically correct.” Not a day passes that I don’t get cornered by North Dakota State students demanding that I finally take a stance.

OK, guys. I have heard your voice. Collectively your voice has reached my giant ears that can really only be compared to Dumbo’s ears.

Like Dennis Rodman and others before me, I must be bold. “Global Warming” is a sham. I would say if “global warming” was a meat, it would be tofu.

To the haters and the naysayers I have a constructive argument for you, cough, clearing throat, strap in, shut up.

Now, knowing nosey-liberals, I can only assume they are going to come at me with things like facts and logic.

I can really only say one thing to those, hogwash.

You might have scientific studies, climatologists, scientists, global records, and Bill Nye the Science Guy on your side, but believe me I have an ace up my long sleeves.

Logical fallacies, oh yeah buddy. It is on like Donkey Kong.

I lived in Seattle before I moved out on the tundra for the scenery. My time in Seattle couldn’t have been worse. Imagine being a wolf surrounded by flannel-wearing, coffee-sipping weirdos — I truly don’t know how I survived. This is how I carried on for years. I’d been spending most my life living in the “Progressive’s Paradise” as Coolio would say.

I don’t have to defend my position with anything other than this: what is right for me, is right for me. My facts make me free from guilt and I am for sure not driving a Prius around.

Now the facts that I live my life by are as follows: “Global warming” is a made up piece of propaganda that was invented by the elitist left who wants to destroy the most honest industry to ever grace this planet, the oil industry and energy industry, and water boils at 200 degrees Fahrenheit.

I will be damned if any “scientist” wants to tell me how to live my life. What do they know? Facts? Those again? Nice try; take your facts back and remember, “No take back-sies.”

People often retort me with: “what if you’re wrong? What is the biggest harm of being greener?” And I say to them:

Mr. /Mrs. /Miss Hypothetical, I will have you know that I have never been wrong in my life, and shut up.

Scientists agree, at least the ones that I listen to, that the Earth wears our CO2 emissions like a fine quilt made by the Amish. Question for you — in winter, would you want someone taking your blanket? Unless you’re a communist or a Bernie Sanders supporter, you would probably be disgusted.

You see people, I love the Earth. I love the Earth so much that I want what is coming out of my car’s tailpipe to wrap the Earth like a warm compliment from a good friend.

Some would say that I am a saint. Sometimes I leave my drier running for days just to warm up the Earth a little bit more. Some would say that is a civic service.

What are you doing for the Earth? I hope that you enjoy your facts because I promise you, your facts aren’t changing the temperature outside, and I will not be listening to your arguments that make sense.