I am a poor college sophomore. Please cry for me. At the moment I am living off of a strict diet. No, I am not trying to lose weight—rather I am heavily poor. Rice, beans and stale bread, if I am lucky, are my usual fine cuisine.

I have found a gold mine, though, that is literally seeping from every corner of this damn campus.

Freshmen.

Yes, they are easy targets for kick-the-freshmen day. And yes, they can obnoxiously ask all of their annoying questions. But brothers and sisters, you must look beyond this.

They are so beautiful. I love me some freshmen. They wear lanyards. They are little and adorable. Some might even say-bite sized.

Freshmen also have one other special power: guest passes.

It is the end of the year; I am running on minimal energy, but hell, I am entertaining. I love being guest passed into the dining center. The slop that I hated as a freshmen, I adore now. Food is expensive kiddos. Appreciate.

When I say I am entertaining, I mean entertaining.

Look, you are feeding me. I am grateful. I will dress up if you want. I will pretend to be your boyfriend. I will pretend to be your girlfriend — hell, have you tasted the chocolate milk? I will do just about anything to be guest passed in. At this point I haven’t stood outside of the dining centers holding a sign, but that might happen during finals week.

Now you are intrigued. I know. It is a gold mind. It is something few take advantage of. I didn’t use all of my guess passes as a freshmen. How many freshmen this year are in the same boat?

Go out to where freshmen gather, I would suggest the volleyball courts, or possibly the gym. Approach slowly, since freshmen scare easily, and shoot straight. They appreciate simple approaches, they cannot deal with hidden agendas.

Good luck my friends, and remember, it is a war out there. Don’t steal my freshmen plugs, and I won’t steal yours.