Dear readers,
I come to you today with more exciting news. My sources within the College of Business have revealed the long search for a dean is finally over. We have the singular honor of welcoming Jeb (!) Bush as our fearless leader.
After a publicly reported vote of no confidence in the existing leadership and a costly pair of failed search committees, leaders of North Dakota State administration understood that we desperately needed a dynamic leader who could unite the various schools under the College of Business. What we got was Jeb!
Coming down from what will surely be remembered as one of the worst presidential campaigns in American history, Jeb! is the perfect leader for our beloved college.
His fundraising prowess is legendary, with his campaign pulling in over $150 million over the course of its short, tortured life. This aptitude would serve the College of Business well, and hopefully allow for greater investment in faculty and programs. Given his proven ability to influence voters at $5,000 per person, however, it is likely the funds raised will be mismanaged and ultimately wasted.
Speaking of investing in faculty and programs, we can expect Jeb! to hire some truly excellent educators. His sprawling political machine featured the best and brightest from across the nation and demonstrated a firm commitment to finding staffers of above-average prowess. It is worth noting, however, that they all failed to renew his website’s domain which allowed Trump to purchase the rights to jebbush.com. Perhaps his faith in people is a bit misplaced.
Most importantly, Jeb! offers the electrifying personality and charisma that our stagnant college needs. His high-powered speeches and incredible stage presence are sure to fire up the faculty and students as we move into a brighter future. Even now, I can hear a defeated “Please study” echoing through Barry’s stately halls. Such wisdom already fills me with the warm glow of our shared mediocrity.
On second thought, another vote of no confidence might be in order.
Sarcastically Yours,
Papa Jon