Every day I leave the house with one goal: attract as much male attention as possible.

I pull on my loose jeans, and then layer a bulky, long-sleeved sweater over my long crop top. Hopefully, the one-inch of skin between the hemline of my shirt and the top of my pants will be enough to really turn heads.

Mascara is a must, but I skip other makeup because I’m going to be late for class … at least it looks like I tried a little so that guys look at me.

My boyfriend stops me before I can leave to catch the bus, wondering why I have makeup on today. He’s right when he suggests that it’s so the cute guy in my chemistry lab will be attracted to me. I think he’s jealous because the boy has a crush on me after I seduced him with my friendly conversation this semester. That was totally in my control, and I should have been more rude so that he would know I couldn’t be his friend because I am already taken.

My boyfriend then looks at my shirt and asks what I would say if he walked around without shorts on so that his business was exposed. I mean, he has a fair point, that inch of my lower stomach really does leave nothing to the imagination — I may as well be naked.

I consider changing, since my totally inappropriate outfit makes my boyfriend uncomfortable, and I basically exist to ease his worries about other guys looking at me. But I’m late, so I leave feeling a little bit ashamed.

I’m disappointed that the boys in class can pay attention to the lecture; I figured my alluring stomach would completely distract them. I didn’t hear the professor because I was too busy finding the cutest one to talk to after class.

No guys sit next to me on the bus ride home, and I must admit, I’m a little bummed.

Before I fall asleep, I imagine staying beautiful forever so that I can bask in the male gaze my entire life. I love getting ready every day and wondering how many people will stare at me and whether someone will finally have the courage to persistently hit on me until I can give them my number.

A girl can dream, right?

If this story sounded bizarre to you, it was meant to, though certain scenarios in it are based on true events.

If it sounds accurate, please read it again with heavy sarcasm knowing that the problem — contrary to popular belief — does not lie with women “asking for it” and is probably you and your off-base worldviews.