From abuse to amor with the help of just one person

I never expected my dating life to look the way it does. I didn’t have my first romantic relationship until I just graduated high school at 18 years old. I dated that boyfriend for almost 8 years, so I wasn’t single during undergrad college, my early twenties or when I moved across the country to pursue my master’s degree. After he crossed my boundaries for the last time, I realized he hadn’t loved me and a lot of our relationship was based on abusive, toxic behaviors this guy learned from a culture steeped in toxic masculinity and old-fashioned beliefs thrust upon him by his controlling family. I broke up with him right before the pandemic. 

I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to date again after the traumatic break-up scarred me. Somehow, I ended up befriending and getting romantically involved with a new kind of person in 2023. He was very open with me about his beliefs about relationships: he was a polyamorous introvert who didn’t believe in marriage. He didn’t believe in having to be strictly only involved with one person at a time. Since that talk, we became romantic partners. This is a reflection on what I learned from this partner and relationship that helped me heal from the toxic dating behaviors I learned from my previous boyfriend. 

Open communication about romantic and sexual ideals was the first big difference I noticed. I didn’t feel like I had to trick him into talking about important things, and I also felt like he didn’t keep any betraying secrets from me. When he was crushing on someone else, he let me know. We talked about it and set boundaries accordingly. Even though I’m not polyamorous, I felt comfortable talking about people I liked in the past without fearing that he would grow jealous of them. My ex, on the other hand, was often jealous of any man in my life who was not family, whether that man was a co-worker, student, childhood friend or even if he was happily in another relationship. 

Not having the need to be one person’s everything is another big difference. My ex was a love-bomber. If you don’t know what love-bombing is, it is a way to manipulate someone into thinking they are intensely loved. My ex often talked about wanting to marry me before we were even serious, attempted to flatter me with compliments of being the perfect woman and made me feel like I was the only thing in the world that mattered to him early in our relationship. I was overwhelmed by the burden of perfection and constant affection he placed on me. I was never enough. Now, I know what it is like to be happy with someone but not be their everything. There are things me and my partner do together. There are things we do apart. There are things he does with other people. It’s nice to have breaks. It’s nice to know that even if someone else fulfills a need my partner has that I can’t, he still cares for me. Threats of being left because my unwillingness to do what I don’t want to do no longer exist in this healthy relationship. 

Lastly, I’ve learned that it is possible to find relationships that work despite being untraditional. My ex threatened to leave me over my unwillingness to do “what girlfriends are expected to do for their boyfriends.” He told me all men want what he wanted, and that no one would love me if I didn’t do certain sexual or romantic favors. He was wrong. I haven’t been forced or even asked to do what I don’t want to do in this relationship, and my partner also hasn’t sought out other partners to fulfill the needs my ex said every man wanted. There are good people out there who will respect your needs, values, and sexual orientation. And I found one. Even if my partner doesn’t believe in monogamy or marriage, he has taught me so much about being in a healthy relationship. My time with him while I have it is a gift, nothing less.