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2019: A satire gone wrong

This year is playing out like a big joke

Will we ever feel like we have a handle on this year?

The year is 2019. Arguably embarking on the strangest time of our lives: forest fires are seen everywhere. Out west in California and Arizona, dry air is spreading flames to hundreds of miles of forest. The Amazon Rainforest is on fire, burning and killing medicine, animals and everything in between. 

Somehow, in all this mess, it is the people who eat beef that is seen as responsible for the climate crisis. They used to say, “An apple a day keeps the doctors away,” but they now say, “Do not eat that apple, it has feelings.”

It appears Americans seem to feel bad about everything but humans themselves. They’ll say, “We must stop the Chinese from eating dogs,” but will turn a blind eye to genocide in places such as Syria. “We must stop eating meat,” tweets a vegan from their iPhone 6 Plus that they ordered from an Amazon sweatshop. They’ll say, “We need to combat climate change,” as they walk through a weekend tailgate, surrounded by trash.

Modern society loves to talk and hates to walk. Literally, obesity is on the rise, and more and more Americans are seen sitting on their phones while watching TV and playing video games. The only thing evolving these days is technology… and fake news.

Listening to any of our political leaders is not proving effective, but Americans keep telling themselves it is. “Donald Trump is a gift from God!” shouts a person of Christian faith; “No, he is a gift from Satan,” jokes another; “Satanism is misconstrued,” someone chips in.

Presidential debate moderators are literally asking candidates questions beginning with: “Raise your hand if you believe in…” Which, ironically, seems fitting to a group of candidates who act like elementary school kids. 

The last presidential debate went on for an hour and a half before asking a single question about climate change was asked. Don’t worry, the moderators made sure to ask for candidates’ opinions on Ellen Degeneres watching football with George Bush, a topic that apparently is detrimental to the well-being of Americans across the nation. Such a candid interview question to ask on the debate stage. 

Even this question wasn’t the only flub of the evening, one would think Elizabeth Warren would at least endorse Bernie Sanders after copying his climate change policies.

It is almost as if candidates are after something else ($$$) … and politicians are not the only ones hungry for money. More and more athletes demand max contracts, refusing to play their respective sports. 

It must be such a struggle for Melvin Gordon to play football for $5 million a year, a player who just recently ended his max contract-holdout, or Mike Trout, who makes $67,000 every at-bat, in baseball… a game of failure.

Meanwhile, most Americans find themselves paying for food more expensive than their ticket. To add to this ridiculous point, the median household income in America is just over $61,000, so how can we justify athletes making so much?

But maybe players like Mike Trout are not the problem… as Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is worth 2,464 times as much as Trout. To be precise, 110.9 billion dollars. It would be a shame if his wife divorced him … which happened … giving her (Mackenzie Bezos) $36.5 billion in Amazon stock. This made her the third richest woman in America. If only life were that easy.

As the year 2020 approaches, expect things to get even weirder, with a presidential election closing in and a potential economic crisis; Americans are in for a ride.

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