You ever see fast food places with three-star reviews and think, “Who values their time so little they review fast food places?”

Well, so did I until I realized I value my time so little I would review fast food places. My area of expertise is 19th Ave., just north of campus. Let’s look at a few of these fine establishments, shall we?

McDonald’s

I’ve had nothing but good experiences in this particular McDonald’s. I live in Niskanen Expansion. The fact that this fast food finery couldn’t be any closer without the drive through lane running through my living room has been nothing short of a blessing from my main man Ronald. Also, a while back, one guy broke my change into a roll of quarters and guess who could do laundry again?

My rating: 4 Stars

Taco Bell

Don’t get me wrong, I love Taco Bell as much as the next guy. That is to say, I would probably fight the next guy for some Doritos Locos perfection. Doesn’t change the fact that the staff, while friendly, has trouble getting food from kitchen to customer. Seems like every time I’m

Doesn’t change the fact that the staff, while friendly, has trouble getting food from kitchen to customer. Seems like every time I’m there, food is getting mixed up or names were forgotten. But at the end of the day, there are worse things in the world.

My rating: 2 Stars

Burger King

The one time I went to this location there was a scary old lady who, judging by the contents of her car, was a hard-core hoarder. Do not recommend.

My rating: 1 Star

Buffalo Wild Wings

Not exactly a fast food place, but I wanted to give props to our waitress the last time we went there. She helped us settle the collar of a hoodie is where the hood meets the sweatshirt, not the opening of the hood. Sorry, I included you in our argument, but it was for science. You understand.

My rating: 5 Stars

Subway

Subway restaurants always seem to be dimly lit and painted that one shade of yellow, which reminds me of retirement home custard. The real cost of the sandwich always seems to be just a shred of self-respect.

I normally wouldn’t rate a Subway more than maybe two stars, but that is not the case at this location. I find it kind of nice and the staff polite enough. Nothing special one way or the other, a perfect three-star location. It overcame all a Subway is doomed to be, a real nature vs. nurture sort of thing.

My rating: 3 Stars

Fine folks, I am a connoisseur. I know how to enjoy the finer things in life, especially when the finer things are fine because there’s nothing fine about them. I have taken it upon myself to be your guide in this crazy world of dollar menu delights and $3 burritos. All I can hope for is that I’ve been some help.