I noticed recently that there is only one way to be on time, but there are an infinite number of ways to be late.
On a similar note, there are tons of guides on effective time management and how to get places on time, but there are no guides on how to be late.
Considering this gap in scholarship, I decided to construct a guide analyzing lateness in order to broaden the knowledge base regarding lateness/earliness dichotomies in an interdisciplinary setting, providing a richer and more multifaceted understanding of the symbolism of and dialogue surrounding the concept of lateness.
1. Assume the buses will be on time. There is an interesting phenomenon surrounding the North Dakota State buses. As a general rule, they operate wonderfully, but when you really need to get to class (i.e., in the next five minutes), they magically drive away before you can catch them. Even if you are three minutes in advance of the official departure time. Please send someone from theoretical physics over to explain this to me.
2. Fancify that paper to make it sound more academic. It is possible to add 50 percent to your word count without adding any meaning to your writing whatsoever by inserting nonsensical academic jargon. This serves to make your writing look intimidating, even though careful analysis will reveal that the technical terms are used incorrectly and only serve as an attempt at obfuscation. See the sentence immediately preceding this list for an example. Unfortunately, fancifying papers takes time and can result in chronic lateness and bad grades.
3. Sleep in. You could go to that 8:00 a.m. lecture on linear algebra. Or you could not. Let’s be real: you need the sleep more.
4. Walk nonchalantly. When you become aware of the fact that you are about to be late, don’t panic. Only total noobs panic, and they make fools of themselves by running in a desperate attempt to make it to class on time. You must perfect the nonchalant slouching walk to truly master your lateness.
5. Actually put 101 items on this list. That would take forever. Peace, I’m out.