You Know What It Is

PHOTO COURTESY | WIKI COMMONS
Trust me, you know what I’m talking about.

Oh, come on. You know exactly what this article is about. You wake up, you comb your teeth and you brush your hair. You’re tired, irritable and if you don’t have coffee within the hour you’re gonna have a bass drum in your head.

The last thing you want to do is the only thing you need to: wake up. On top of all this, here comes the millimeter precision to find a comfortable shower temperature. And just as you think you’re coming up on that sweet pocket of happiness.

You get cleaned up and get out of the shower to dress. You act like you’re choosing a shirt, but, Jesus Christ, you haven’t done laundry in forever and pickings are slim. You take whatever doesn’t smell like fast food and effort. You pack your bag and get ready for the day. You grab your lunch and take out the note from your mom so the other guys don’t tease you. You slip the note in your wallet. Just when you’re ready to leave, you happen to walk past the mirror and wouldn’t you know it. There’s a stain on your shirt so you change real quick.

You get in the car and drive, and you’re getting progressively more annoyed at the radio. There isn’t a single good station. The only one that’s passable has just enough static you can’t convince yourself it’s worth it. Brake lights. You slam on your brakes. This guy just cuts you off. Not only that, but he’s going 10 under the speed limit. You can’t pass because the cars in the other lane are driving like sane human beings: 50 in a 30. And you can barely believe when not even a minute later you look up.

They turned off. You relax and go on your merry way. You arrive at school safe and sound. Oh my God, there isn’t a single parking spot. This is the third lot you’ve checked. You’re getting a little nervous because if you can’t get a spot here you’ll probably be late for class. You finally see a spot, but as you’re coming up on it this SUV turns the corner right next to it. He sees you. He sees the spot. You both know what’s gonna happen next, but it still hurts to see.

He gives you the spot. It really sucks for him, but you were there first and he might not fit anyway. You walk into class and the professor wearing a vest like a dad in a ’90s sitcom imitating a dad in an ’80s sitcom. His shoes don’t go with his pants, and you’re really not where gold cuff links fit with the look. You notice something else about his clothes though. Something that stands out above everything else.

They’re immaculate. It’s a Tide ad.

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