Why Fargo Hates You in Particular

PHOTO COURTESY | FLICK.COM |
That’s right, I’m talking to you.

Group punishment was outlawed by the Geneva Convention. Fargo does not seem to care. Something made it angry, and I am just curious what you did to ruin it for all of us. Maybe it was when you littered. Oh, of course, you didn’t mean to; you’re a good person. You’d buy repellent for those litterbugs if you could. Great marketing ideas that are now my intellectual property aside, you’re forgetting something.

Remember the other day when you opened the car door? That one wrapper fell out and blew away in the wind. You knowingly chose not to chase it through three lanes of traffic. Selfish. You thought nobody saw, but Fargo did. You dropped it on Fargo’s face after all.

Maybe we can sort out this issue by sorting through your trash. Remember that plastic bottle you threw away? You didn’t mean to, you just weren’t thinking. There it sat, half covered in mustard touching raw meat, and what did you do? You walked away. You left it in the gross, ugly garbage. Now it’s in a gross, ugly landfill. Fargo’s gross, ugly landfill.

Along the same vein, do you remember that milk jug you recycled? You were so proud of yourself recycling like a model citizen. Except you didn’t wash it out. Wanna know what happens to your milk cartons when you don’t wash them out? The milk inside turns into a lovely 2018 sharp Kemps cheese, perfect with “Best by 9/30/2011” box wine. Well someone had to handle your moldy mistake, and it just got thrown away anyway.

Now I’m one to let bygones be bygones. I’d love this feud to go bye, gone. So I really need you to fix this because Fargo does not want to stop tormenting us with winter. I don’t know why it hates us, but I can only assume whatever you did is the cause.

I’ve almost slipped so many times in the last two weeks. The air turns from pleasant to painful on a dime. I’m afraid to leave my apartment. I’m running dangerously low on food, but seeing as I only drink Perrier I suspect I’ll die of thirst first. Buy a Prius; adopt a highway; blow up a power plant. I don’t care, I’m just begging you to fix this.

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