In light of the decidedly less than stellar weather, I’ve decided it’s time to write a definitive guide to the consumption of hot drinks.
“Wow, Rio, you’re really stretching for content,” you say.
To which I reply, “Is it really that obvious?”
Regardless of stretching, here’s the listicle you’ve been waiting for. Be warned: number four will shock you.
1. White Chocolate Mocha. Nothing says “basic” like a steaming cup of pseudo-coffee topped with whipped cream and multi-colored sprinkles. That aftertaste coating your tongue? It’s the shame of being so mainstream it hurts.
2. Chai Latte, Extra Hot, with Soy Milk and a Shot of Vanilla. A drink order with less than three additional requests in it doesn’t fully capture the complexity of your high-maintenance personality. Making baristas contemplate suicide is one of your favorite hobbies.
3. Hot Chocolate. Don’t spill on your Uggs because it’ll probably stain.
4. Plain Coffee. It’s electric. None of us want to hear your canned speech about how the only legitimate way to drink beans is black. Or the one about “the stronger, the better.” Please leave now, you stinking purist.
5. Domestic Beer. You are a college student, possibly over the age of 21, with no imagination and horrible taste. This is, after all, a list for hot drinks.
6. Imported Beer. This is just to even out the last item on the list. You might be a prick.
7. Hot Toddy. You might be sick. Or classy. Or 80. Maybe some combination of those.
8. Irish Coffee. Starting at 8:00 in the morning? You go, Glen Coco.
9. Water. Two words: Amish Mafia.
No matter what this article says, rest assured, your drink does not define you. Just look outside and remember that you are a special snowflake, just like all the others.
In fact, from a distance, you blend right into the indecipherable mass. And, like the snowflake, you’ll melt if the water is hot enough.
So have your drink with pride; nobody cares.